for all discouraged, fallible and reluctant prophets

so long Mount Carmel
hello Mount Sinai
once more the wild swing
swift deceleration
from elation to depression
adrenaline crash
smile instantly flips
and I am running for my life
to anywhere 
just anywhere
anywhere they won’t find me
anywhere You won’t find me
anywhere I won’t find me

was it just a few days ago that the fire fell?
the evil one routed and his followers put to flight?
only these short spaces of time since I stood confident,
bold, even pushy
“go on! call on your god! he ain’t gonna answer!
but MY God, just you watch what He’s about to do…”

only a few days
how quickly I drop my gaze
sink to the ground in utter weariness
it’s been a long road through the desert
that’s if I am going through the desert
I don’t really know anymore
where I am bound

but, oh, I am bound
tight shackled once again by my terror
my uncertainty
my inadequacy

collapsing under a scruffy shrub that’s almost as dry as my mouth
and my heart
torn apart and shredded
I just can’t do this anymore
let it end
let me end
who am I to think
I could have made a difference?
I am no better than the long parade of failures gone before me
let me join them
and have done

But You won’t let me, oh no.

No, instead You poke and prod me from my stupor until I respond enough
to eat just a bite,
drink just a drop,
sleep –
sleep actually quite a lot
(oblivious peace of a kind I suppose).

Eat some more, okay okay! I will.
And drink up yes, sure…
Now leave me alone here.

But now,
however unwillingly,
I rise; 
And take one step –
then another,
and another,
and a few more;

compelled onward
to the mountain
where once You spoke.

And somehow I know
when I reach it,
despite my leaden feet and laden soul
I will climb,
and climb;
And find a summit,
a shelter,
and a whisper:
why have you fled seeking, child?
I am with you

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