ashes

they talk about the patience of Job
just what is that, I’d like to know
patience seems the wrong word entirely

targeted for a game of chance
so it seemed
a game between
adversary and Creator

j’accuse
well excuse me
for striving to be
righteous
worthy
faithful

all those good things
aspired to 
sought after
only serve to paint a big fat target on my back

see my daughter?
no one like her!
and the adversary smiles
rubs his hands in glee
fancy me
the perfect bystander

for his strategy
is simplicity:
leave me untouched
life charmed
and take out everything round me

loved ones struck
family bruised
friends wounded
as I watch on
helpless
wordless
blameless
yet feeling oh so guilty

why not me?
I would gladly suffer
with those I love
share the burden
for my friends
fight the battles
alongside 
but my hands are tied
can only empathize
helpless
wordless
blameless 
yet feeling oh so guilty

in the ashes again
sitting naked 
watching so many worlds crash and burn
and it’s still not my turn
(bar a few little boils, what’s that in the mix of things)
even those closest tell me it’s not worth it
why still believe
hope
pray
for a better day
why hold on
why so patient

and again I am sure
patience is utterly the wrong word for it
I am not patient
nor nobly resigned
better call it a bloody minded stubbornness
fierce determination
not passivity 
but action internally
however immobile outwardly
I choose
to wait

I will not let go
of the only thing I know
my Redeemer lives
though He slay me
I will trust Him
and as long as I don’t give in
though I may not win
I cannot lose

might have to call it a draw – 
that’s patience, after a fashion – 
though I still think it’s entirely the wrong word
for sitting silent 
in the ashes